We Got a Badass up in Here
by Chibi Kitsune Hime
Summary: Allen is sick and tired of being screwed over by everyone and their mother. So with the help of Timcampy and Lavi, he decides to level the playing field. By becoming a badass. Contains very strong language, ooc, mention of straight and yaoi couplings.


We Got a Badass up in Here

**CKH:** Hey guys, I'm finally back!

**Kazumi:** Eh, and where were you?

**CKH:** No clue. Anyways, here is my new story! Yay! This one is a bit weird, and not for the faint of heart. In fact, I'm not even sure if this story is a good idea, but I couldn't let the idea go, and decided to take it for a test drive.

**Kazumi:** No…no…don't tell me…please don't tell me you're making a crack fic.

**CKH:** I'm not sure if I would classify it as straight out crack, but yeah: It's gonna be that freaky. And why are you so freaked out about me writing crack anyways?

**Kazumi:** Anything that you label as crack, someone else would label as insane asylum level shit here.

**CKH:** I think I'm offended. Well anyways, let's get on with the story.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own D Gray-Man. That privilege belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

**Summary:** Allen is sick and tired of being screwed over by everyone and their mother. So with the help of Timcampy and Lavi, he decides to level the playing field. By becoming a badass. Contains strong language, mentioning of sexual activities, and extreme levels of badassery. Allen will be OOC, so don't be surprised if you see him throwing around a few bitch slaps. No real romance, but there will be mention of straight and yaoi couplings.

Allen leaned against a tree outside of the Black Order, a frown on his face. His life officially sucked. I mean really, first he gets abandoned and has to work in a circus just to survive. A bloody circus! Were child labor laws null and void for the abnormally impaired or something? It wasn't his fault his arm had looked as if he was short a few chromosomes. Then he gets picked up by some ass backwards gentleman clown, may God bless Mana's soul, who had a thing for manners and walking. As much as he loved Mana, the dude was loose a few screws.

And don't even get him started on that whole turning-your-father-into-an-akuma fiasco. He had tried to completely suppress that scarring incident, yet he was plagued by the occasional (okay so it was pretty common) flashback that never failed to send him into a spiral of angst and self-loathing. The Millennium Earl was such a troll, the stupid fucker.

So, after that pile of shit that had been his life, did he get a break, a moment of reprieve? No! That jackass Cross, with his man-whoreish ways, came along and screwed him over with a pile of debt and trauma larger than Komui's sister complex. Sure, Cross was a grade-A badass, and he would always be thankful to the man for taking care of him when he went bat-shit crazy (1), but he would never feel sorry for loathing that man with the burning passion of a thousand suns. Not after that dick had sent him out alone to catch a lion with nothing but a length of rope. Oh great, now he had been dragged out of his original train of thought by the mere thought of that stupid, drunk bastard.

Back to more important things: namely his shitty life. The period of time between getting left by Cross in India and getting to the Black Order was probably the best time of his life. For once, he could do whatever he wanted without having to run from debt collectors and using his poker skills for evil (as anything that had to do with Cross and money was sure to be of the devil). He was riding high, he was the king of his world, he was the lord of his own life. Yet as per the trend, he had his bliss bubble popped. Popped by a long haired, girly faced, prissy little princess of an exorcist, who used a toothpick to fight off Akuma (and toothpick it was, compared to his sword of exorcism). Sure, he respected Kanda as an exorcist, but that sour faced twat got under his skin almost as bad as Cross. He had gotten away from one bastard just to be trapped with another. However the Order wasn't too bad. Not only did he get to fulfill his life's purpose as an exorcist, but he had found family here. The fact that he got to eat whatever he wanted helped a bit too.

But now, the shit storm was back. Turns out he had a Noah living inside him, threatening to take over. Oh and if that wasn't bad enough, turns out said Noah was Mana's brother. So now, on top of the Vatican keeping an eye on him "for his protection," he had to deal with the fact that Mana may not have loved him for him, and was just keeping him around so his brother could be reborn.

Why did life always have to fuck him over? What was he always everyone's bitch! Why couldn't he be a badass like Cross and refuse to follow the rules? Wait…wait a minute. That was it! He had to be a badass like Cross! As much as he hated the man, he certainly had the right idea. Cross didn't have to put up with anyone's shit! He did whatever the fuck he wanted, and no one did anything to stop him! If they did try, all the fucker had to do was stare his would be oppressor down, whip out his badassery (1) and wave it around, and people backed off!

Of course, there was one problem. Allen didn't know how to be badass. His black side was fucking wicked awesome, but it was more creepy than badass. Thanks to Mana, manners and polite behavior was engraved into his very soul. He didn't remember too much about his personality and behavior as a child before Mana came around, but he was pretty sure that he had been more emo and abrasive than badass. How was he going to be a badass, when he couldn't swear out loud or bear to piss anyone off? How was he going to make everyone his bitch when he couldn't be domineering and or act tough?

It didn't matter though. Standing up with a fire in his eyes and a smirk on his lips, Allen made himself a promise. He was going to learn how to be a badass. And as soon he learned that, he was going to be the top cock around here (3).

AN: Okay so that's the end of chapter 1. Please review and tell me if you see hope for this story.

1. Check the latest Manga. Allen did go crazy for a while there.

2. No, surprisingly I wasn't referring to his dick. Or judgment.

3. If you get this obscure reference, I'll love you forever. And the first person to do so, I'll write a one shot for you.

To give you a heads up on what's coming, here is an excerpt from a future chapter.

_Allen looked a Tyki with a flat expression, eyes hidden behind his wicked black framed shades. So that motherfucker thought he was hot shit eh? That he could just do whatever the fuck he wanted and get away with it? Hah, not in this lifetime. Allen stood slowly up from his throne atop the Earl's back, and stepped down, walking towards that smug asswipe. Looks like he had to show this little bitch who was in charge around here now._

_He swaggered over to Tyki and stretched up on the balls of his feet so he could look that cocksucker dead in the eyes and with a deathly calm, low voice said,_

_ "Bend over." Tyki's eyes widened, and the cigarette that had been clamped between grinning lips fell from his now slack jaw._

_ "Wh…what?" the Noah asked. Allen's lips twisted into a terrifying grin, and he elaborated._

_ "If you're gonna act like a bitch I'm gonna treat you like one. So bend over and let me show you how I deal with bitches." Tyki, still slack jawed, began to form a slight blush over the bridge of his nose. With an oddly intrigued gleam in his golden eyes, he finally spoke._

_ "You know, shounen-sama, I'm not called the Noah of Pleasure for nothing."Allen pushed his shades down the bridge of his nose, showing his surprised eyes and stared at Tyki. Quickly covering his surprise with his badassery and a smirk, he chuckled._

_ "You sick, kinky fucker."_

Okay, so there was your sneak preview. Just to let you know, Allen may be ooc, but his badassery won't just magically show up. He's got years of manners drilled into his head, and won't be able to lose them quickly. It'll take work and time before his badassery evolves to the level shown in the sneak preview. And even then, he won't be the ultimate badass.

AN2: Oh yeah, and about my unfinished Naruto stories, for any of you who have read them, I gave up on them. I had a couple of them almost finished, but my computer got a virus, and all of the saved data had to be completely cleared out. It was as if I had went out and bought a new computer. So if any of you want them send me a message and we'll work it out.


End file.
